I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.