I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.