Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday