4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
synchronized noseblowing
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?