work smarter, not harder
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!