All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.