Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in