My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
i now pronounce you bounced.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again