My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.