15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Duck typos.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.