me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
You Might Also Like
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
3% human
97% stress
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I support this random dude and all his protests
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!