[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of