#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.