Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
How your email finds me
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.