my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
my favorite genre of twitter
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?