I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
inventing words: clothing
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt