me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I cannot call her anything else now
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL