I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about