Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
it must be school picture day
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler