I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me, after any kind of buffet.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.