Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Every BBC series about the universe.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Body by sandwich.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa