JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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water it, i dare you
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies