“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Wednesday
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*