TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson