I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.