Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.