interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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lmao
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today