Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
me doing my best
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.