told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Money is the root of all wealth
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING