Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
You Might Also Like
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”