“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter