If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You Might Also Like
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am