My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: