Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Stick it to the man
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no