COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.