Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
You Might Also Like
felt cute might bury dad later idk
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Think I pulled my liver
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything