My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Human are so complicated
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon