Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Favourite diary entry ever
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away