There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
no one ever comes back
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.