*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
adding to the discourse
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders