‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*