Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …