*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.