I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Cha-ching is my safe word
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
only 11 steps left
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.