An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear