A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Mission: Impossible
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?