7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
the rocks need my help
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.