[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad