Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
You Might Also Like
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
technically true but not a great slogan
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?