if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”